This year turned out to be very different to what I might have imagined at the beginning of it. In January and February, I was overworked and stressed. All of us had to do a lot of overtime at my second job and we were all really done with the world.
Too many shifts for too few of us. I love the job, still, but I needed a break.
Then came Covid. Chances are, I actually caught it at the end of February. I lost my sense of taste and smell for three days and had the worst cough I had in years, perhaps ever. But nobody took it seriously then and I never got a test.
Anyway, I had decided to take a time out to write. I think, my last post was precisely about that very plan. That’s when I went to Thessaloniki.
By mid-March every country in Europe began to shut down. Some faster than others. Our last day at work was the 12th March. Then the concert hall closed. I was already in Greece. But a week into my stay there, things began to shut down as well. And even though I had planned to stay three weeks. I only stayed 10 days.
I flew home on the emptiest flight. Took an empty train for the last stretch of the journey, went grocery shopping and that was that.
Lockdown.
Thankfully, I am used to home office. But doing nothing else is not exactly for me either. And even on the freelance front things were getting quieter than usual. It was a struggle for a while. The weather was gorgeous, though. At least, it inspired to go on almost daily bike tours. But even that got boring at some point. I do love Hamburg, though. So much.
But with all that extra time, one thing did not become any easier. Writing.
I heard that on many fronts. Depending on your motivation and personal situation, many people struggled with their creative work. Or simply with their creativity.
I felt, like many others, that I was wasting time I could have spent writing. Should have spent writing.
But apparently, I needed to be more lenient with myself and just make it through 2020 one way or another.
I’ve been feeling stuck on and off all year long. Before that as well. Heartbreak is not a good conduit and it reared its head again in late summer, when the one who caused it decided to show up in my life again.
That’s a story for another time, perhaps.
Now I am good again. Slowly, slowly shaking that feeling of being stuck. Replacing it with the desire to write. Perhaps it helps that I just got a new laptop. I needed something a little sleeker, more portable. Though, it turns out, the new laptop is no lighter than the old one, which feels as if it is twice its size.
But it has far better battery life, the better keyboard and it is much more compact and therefore fits better into my daily-use backpack.
And it makes me want to play with it and write.
Which is what I am doing right now.
We’re currently back in lockdown. A lighter version than before the summer (which we got to enjoy moderately). Since cases are still getting worse, a hard lockdown is looming already.
I know I won’t be at my secondary job before February, if that.
So, I have plenty of writing to get done. And it’s easier this time around. Considering how grey it is outside, cold and wet, one feels less guilty about not going outside so much. That doesn’t mean I should be hanging on the sofa all afternoon.
Freelance work is going well right now. I feel totally alright. I am seeing some of my friends and have regular contact otherwise. I don’t get to do some of the things I enjoy a lot. But some of them.
And I feel like it might indeed be time to get some serious writing in. I feel more compelled to write.
I’ve been feeling stuck for the past few weeks. I needed to get that last bout of heartbreak out of my system, needed to get my priorities straight and here I am. Slowly moving forward once more.
One step at a time.
WritingMyLifeAway 